the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
