I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
