Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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