you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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