Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
