Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
