Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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