there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize