...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
