he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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