why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
