Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
