The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
