I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
40s are totally the cure
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
