he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
