no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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