Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
