I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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