just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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