I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
