My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I need water and some morals
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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