part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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