First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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