Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
