The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
