i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
