i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
