hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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