Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
