Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
can u get pink eye on your cock?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
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