just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
