i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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