just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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