i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize