meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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