just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
