when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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