with your own penis?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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