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my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
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