Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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