so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
