I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
