why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
