I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
