3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
