I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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