FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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