i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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