First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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