you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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