You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
