i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
