he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
