I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
