i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
