On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
only you would photoshop your dick
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
