Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
