i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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