I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
